I grew up in a very warm happy home with loving parents and two older sisters. I was cheerful and outgoing when I was young and always had many friends. But somehow I started developing an inferiority complex half way through elementary school. My sisters were always did extremely well, whereas I apart from PE, art and music did very poorly so I guess without realizing it I was constantly comparing myself with them. But later I came to know that my sisters were envious of me also. One often hears the phrase "The grass is greener on the other side" whether the difference is great or small, probably most people experience feeling inferior in some shape or form.

After graduating from school due to my work being terribly busy I found myself always pressed for time. Getting up early every morning to go to work, returning home late this continued every day. Though I had little time, when I was free I would date or go out for a drink with friends, this was to a degree an enjoyable way to pass the time. I thought at some stage I would get married have a family and live a relatively ordinary uneventful life. At that time despite having good health, a caring family, not being restricted in any respect I did not feel particularly fulfilled. I didn't have any hope in the future either. I assumed that this is what life was all about There are some people seem to have clear goals and work with exceeding diligence toward achieving them. My sisters were like this. But for me since I was young I lacked self confidence and didn't have anything in particular to put my heart into. I found myself wondering what I was living for. I wanted live the kind of life that had a purpose instead of a life that just seemed to be drained into the everyday busyness that I new at that time. I thought about my own life, the more I thought about it, about my life till that point, about the future however many years I would live, it seemed so tiresome, without anything in particular to hope for it seemed so meaningless. Since I was alive I wanted to find my purpose in life. To be able to appreciate the value of living.

So despite intense opposition from my parents for quitting my job the reason I gave for doing so to satisfy my parents was to learn English in New Zealand. In January 1984 I left home for the first time and went to NZ. I spoke very little English and suffered severe culture shock as a result I didn't sleep well and was very fearful. Although that time was very difficult and I often thought of returning to Japan the thought of repeating the same lifestyle I had lived previously kept me from doing so.

After 3 months I moved into a University dormitory. One day in the dormitory's dining room a girl with a lovely smile spoke to me. She was studying medicine and was from Western Samoa. Till that time I had only exchanged greetings in passing or in speaking with shop assistants, suddenly at the thought of a friend I was very excited. That night she came and played her guitar in my room. Despite being the first time I met her I told her of my fear and difficulty in sleeping using my broken English. She sang various songs playing her guitar, and before she returned she prayed for me. Before closing my door she said to me "Etsuko you can sleep well because God is always awake for you", she then returned to her room. I had never really thought about the existence of God, I had never felt any really strong sense to do so, the thought that someone was awake for me, watching over me I slept well for the first time in a long time.

The girl's name was Faafetai, she was a Christian. She became my friend and I started going with her to Church and Bible study. At first I only went to Church because I wanted more friends. As the services were held in a large lecture theater within the University over half of those who came every week were students who had come from a variety of other countries. It was always a very lively time and I came to make lots of friends. Many of the students from other countries were on scholarship programs and were far from well off, but they were very kind to me, always full of life and everyone seemed to have goals.

One time when I appeared to be cold one of my friends unhesitatingly said "I have 2 sweaters I'll give you one, Etsuko". The sweater had holes and was certainly not quality material. If it was me, and I only had 2 sweaters and on top of that one had holes in it I would be far to embarrassed to give it to anyone, but for her it was just natural, she had 2 so she gave one to someone who needed it. This suddenly brought me back to my life style in Japan. For me, I would have had at least 20 sweaters, they would have been nothing but top brand apparel in current fashion, consistent with my being ever concerned with how others saw me. Looking at my friends lifestyle, although the environment in which she grew up in was very different she was very kind, her value system was very different, she didn't have a big thing about pride. I suddenly felt a sense of shame taking for granted such simple things. Being with the people I had come to know I could simply be myself I didn't have to put on any show. Simply being with these friends made me want to know more about their sense of values, their purpose in life more than simply having a good time.

The aspect common to each of their lives was the understanding that God was the master creator, and that we were each born for and with a purpose. Although I liked all my friends very much whenever they talked about God I felt very uncomfortable. Besides having never thought about the existence of God, my image of God was subjective and that he was a figment of people's imagination, something weak people needed to escape from reality, something which isolated people from those about them, causing them to push their own beliefs onto others, which I considered a terrible thing.

When I think about my friends none of them were pushy about Christianity. On the contrary, without pretense they each sought to fully use their individual talents. I also unthinkingly forgetting that I had no confidence in myself for the first time felt maybe there is something I could do too.

But regarding my image of God, in speaking with my friend, she said that if we believe in God as the master creator we realize that we do not exist for nothing or by accident but rather that God gave us this life and that we were each born for a specific purpose.

Somehow when I was in Japan, whenever I achieved anything, the sense of achievement was strangely overshadowed by deciding on what to aim at next. And if I didn't have any goal in mind I soon felt a sense of unbearable emptiness. I had come to have no hope in the future, I was brought back to be painfully aware of the temporary nature of my own goals.

But if I had to think about believing in God, there was nothing solid to hold on to, if it was just a popular new religion that once entered could one leave? was there a long list of Christian do-s and don'ts? would I be bound by regulations? all these aspects of uncertainty constantly went around in my head.

These things being as they were I set out to prove the existence of God for myself as best I could. After speaking with many Christians, reading as many Christian books as I could, reading the Bible diligently, I came to the conclusion for the time being that one could not prove the existence of God.

I felt as though there was nothing I could do, I thought of giving up but I couldn't, rather I shared how I felt with my best friend and she explained as follows: She said, "we cannot prove God as such rather by believing in God with all our heart, God will reveal himself through various ways, through various people. What God desires for Christians is not to be bound by rules and regulations but rather to live in greater freedom than before by each using the talents that God gave us, and walking according to God's will for each of our lives".

One day although I felt somewhat uneasy and still had some doubts that though I couldn't prove God's existence I decided to believe that God was. Although the world is full of people talking about various gods, I felt certain that if only one true God existed he would reveal himself to me. In my case it was not one unforgettable event that occurred and I became a Christian, rather over a long period of time God himself has shown himself to me little by little, speaking to me each day as he still does.

My life has indeed changed since I left for NZ some ten plus years ago. God indeed has blessed me each and every day in countless ways. This road certainly has not been easy. On the contrary as my perspective had changed in many ways things became even more difficult, till that time I had just tried to get by each day, not thinking about anything deeply. But at points of difficulty I would remember 1st Corinthians 12, 22, and 27. Verse 22 says "On the contrary, the parts that seem weaker are very essential for the body's functioning" and verse 27 "Here is what I am trying to say: all of you together are the one body of Christ and each one of you is a separate and necessary part of it." For a long time I had no confidence in myself, particularly as there was nothing I had really put my heart into, and even if there was, my concern was where to start. Still I limit myself as I used to. Particularly when I see people who devote themselves wholeheartedly into what they are doing I feel there is absolutely no way I could do that, and start comparing myself. But at such times the Lord encourages me. What I desire is not to be like others rather for God to use me according to the gifts or talents that he has given to me. If I wait for the perfect conditions, the perfect time to do anything I will wait all my life doing nothing.

God desires that we grow day by day, experiencing God's highest purposes in each of our lives. There are often trials they we simply cannot understand why. It is at such times that God is at work in our lives the very most to strengthen us whether we realize it or not.

Since meeting Jesus some ten plus years ago I haven't done anything amazing by worldly standards but rather I am appreciative to God every day for the gift of life that he has given to me and desire each day to do to the best of my ability the things that God would have me to do each day.

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English translation by Pastor Jack Garrott